The Modern Explorer's Guide to Interstate Travel

Flyover States: Iowa - This is where Doritos begin

You may have had the luxury of an experience of air travel at one time in your life.

You may have been able to comfortably float over several states of the Union, without confronting the opportunities and challenges presented by these so-called “flyover states.”

Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri, Indiana, Ohio, Wisconsin, and Illinois are littered with culture, all ripe for enjoyment.

Many Midwestern states have exceptional levels of wind. You might be surprised to realize that these treeless states export tons of wind to neighboring states.

Iowa is also a worldwide leader in the production of corn syrup, so be sure to sample some fresh high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) as you are blown across this state, that is known by descriminating travelers as “The Rectangle State.”

Be sure to take a hard look at the corn fields around you in Iowa. This is where Doritos begin. 

Some refer to Iowa as the “Birthplace of Obesity” because the subsidized corn - and corn syrup - produced here powers millions of cases of diabetes worldwide.

FUN FACT: Corn dogs from the Iowa State Fair provide 90% of the nation’s pictures that are photoshopped to make politicians look like they are giving blowjobs.

Iowa: cities of corn… and cornfed fun.

Rest Areas & Visitor's Centers: Vending Machines, Picnic Areas and Old People in Vests

Many motorists view rest areas as the new bathhouses of the modern roadway, though in recent years, cameras and visitors centers full of elderly greeters have cut down on the number of romances initiated in these public restrooms.

Upon entering a new state, you will often see a Visitor’s Center, along with a rest area featuring vending machines, picnic areas, and green spaces for dogs to take a shit.

Many modern rest areas also feature wireless internet, or WiFi, for truckers to use to check their Myspace pages or find the nearest adult video store.

 

To get the most out your time in a new state, go into the Visitor’s Center. 

Before you buy anything from vending machines, approach the old person in a vest behind the desk, and sternly ask:

“I am from [your home state], what can [name of state] do for me?” 

He or she will probably end up giving you a pamphlet to an amusement park or a pottery museum, but don’t be distracted from your purpose.  

(Consider this an employment interview, where a state’s ambassador has to earn your patronage as a consumer and job creator.)

If you are going to spend your hard-earned resources in a state, the official representative of the state at the visitor’s center should be able to make the case for your business, whether elderly volunteer or no.

 

If you find yourself unsatisfied with their pitch and do not wish to patronize a state that hires lazy volunteers, turn around and backtrack into the neighboring state to find an alternate route.

Or, if your travel route leaves you no choice, drive directly across the state, stopping only to throw away household trash or urinate.

 

Click here for a complete state-by-state guide to rest areas. 

 

States: Did You Know? West Virginia

Almost heaven... 

West Virginia has more strip clubs per capita than any other state in the Union.

Also, the Mountain State boasts the highest rates of insomnia.

Is there a causal relationship between these statistics?

FUN FACTS:

The state motto is Montani Semper Liberi.  

That's Latin for "Mountaineers are Always Free to Stay Up All Night at a Strip Club"